Summer Sucks

My baby child is away for the summer, work is unchallenging--I have no distractions from my utter boredom. I'm in a place in my life where I should have good friends that I am dying to go see, go on weekend adventures with my husband, or learn how to garden and walk my dog. But none of those things are a part of my life.


Old friends from the bank are not around anymore, because I don't have anything interesting to contribute to a conversation--no funny customer anecdotes, no griping about corporate life. I don't have any work friends in the job I have now.


My husband and I can't think of anything to do that doesn't involve spending money (which we don't have) or that wouldn't be utterly boring to the other one. I don't really want to drag him through Hobby Lobby or sit in the truck while he rattlesnake hunts.


I try to get into the maintenance and décor of my home, but it is a rental, so I can't really do what I want and I don't want to put too much energy into someone else's equity. I've been looking for a new place to rent, because I think the destroyed relationship between Darrell and the landlord will land us an eviction notice some day. But for the money we are spending now, I haven't spotted anything that would increase our square footage or put us in a better position. And I don't want to make Shelby switch schools.


So, I am bored. Under stimulated. I hate summer.

Birth

April is my birthday. Thirty-one. Ouch, where did 30 go? Thirty has really been a year of ups and downs. I am working in a job that is way different than before and it doesn't suck up all of my mental and emotional energy. But I miss the obsession that accompanied my old line of work--constant challenge, constant analyzing. My marriage has been through an extremely difficult year. But we are still here and still trying. My daughter is growing up and is an amazing person--she has been taking on new things like karate and art and research. Is this the life of a person in their 30s?


 I would like more in the rest of my 30s.


MORE.
Of EVERYTHING.
More love, more insight, more patience, more peace, more time, more depth, more clarity, more truth, more learning, just more.

Static

My home space is filled with polished surfaces. At least, my surfaces are polished.


I don't feel the need to express an opinion on the little things--yes, it annoys me when the dryer is put on the timer settings instead of the pre-programmed options, but is it an opinion really worth expressing? I don't think so. Petty things like that lead to constant bickering and arguing about nothing. They take up time that I am not willing to spend. So, I let things go and don't worry about them.


But that also means that I have a tendency to let big things go without comment as well. Because it is a rare argument that I find a good use of time. It is so wasteful and hurtful and not worth my tears and blood pressure. I'm not trying to paint myself as a martyr that suffers in silence, but as someone who will just shut that anger or pain into a box in my heart or mind and not think about it.


I could analyze and explain why I am the way I am--a peacemaker or a neutral, because of the way I was raised, or the lessons I have learned or the people who have hurt me. But it doesn't matter why--it is wonderful to see where the roots of behavior come from so that you can understand your motivations. But it doesn't change what I am doing. And I don't really care the reasons why other people do what they do--it doesn't change the wrong that has been done.


We all are responsible for our behavior, even if your daddy was mean, or you've been through bad relationships. Learn what you were supposed to learn and own your behavior. If you didn't learn anything, then that says something about you, too.


And that, I think, is an opinion worth expressing. Being authentic is the only way you become a more complete person. Why else are we here?

Forgiveness

I tend to think of forgiveness in a large sense. Will God forgive me for the mistakes I make? Will the Universe understand  and move on? And my answer is always yes--my God is one who forgives all you have ever done and all you will ever do. The Universe is not one to let petty human trifling bring it to a stop.


But I don't have the omnipotence of a god; and I don't have the vastness of perspective of the Universe. I cannot see passed my own circumstance. I can't put the past into a box and seal it away and call it bygone. When I am forced to think about forgiving in my own everyday life, I don't know where to draw it from.


There have been a few people I have truly forgiven. I forgave my dad for being a terrible father--it took many years and came from being tired of being angry. The years wore down my resolve. I had to try to get to know him as just a person and try to love him for precisely what he was and not long for all that he was not. I forgave my daughter's dad--it took many years, many miles and starting new chapters in my life. I also knew that I would have to interact with him for many years to come and if I didn't find a way to forgive, I would make my daughter suffer at any event that was important. And I love her more than I love myself.


And there have been many that I haven't forgiven, but simply forgotten and let them slip into the memory of the past. It is easier that way. Easier to let go and just say goodbye than to face the conflict and questions.


Do I forgive because I am too tenacious to give up? Because walking away and starting again poses too much of a task at this point in my life. Because I want to be the bigger person. Because I am selfish. Or because I have really dealt with my feelings and moved passed them. Because I love my husband more than I love my pride. Or maybe none; maybe I can't.

Lies

How do you get a person who is lying to themselves so convincingly, to tell the truth? Even when confronted with truth, he spends so much energy to manufacture circumstances to fit the lies. To so emphatically insist that the lies are the truth. How do you break through when he has so much invested in these lies that he probably doesn't even admit it to himself. It makes me doubtful and full of silence--because anything I say becomes an argument of he said/she said. Everything can be explained away.


 But I know, in my deepest of subconscious, that it isn't the truth.


That blaming nameless hackers or vengeful enemies is so easy to do with no way to prove otherwise. Does that make me just some suspicious, paranoid, trustless ice queen? Or someone who is content to live in denial also, just to avoid the confrontation? Because I know if the confrontation happened, it would just result in more lies. I have no faith that he will admit anything without overwhelming proof. I am emotionally dead at this point. Because feeling anything would mean fighting and I have no more energy to fight. The fight has gone out of me.


This is what he has made me.

How to Listen

Discussion without debate. Listening without empathizing.
It is that simple. When I talk, I am not looking for feedback--unless I ask for it!


I hear so many conversations where people are responding to the speaker by telling a story that dovetails, or by relaying a similar experience. We think that is conveying our intent to let the speaker know that we heard them and that we care about their experience.


But, to the speaker--or maybe just to me, it sounds like you weren't really listening. You were waiting for your chance to be heard. You were telling a story of how you had the same experience, and that diminishes mine. I don't feel comforted; I feel challenged. I feel like my story is not worth listening to, because clearly, you have a better one. If I hurt, you have hurt more.

Holiday Season

The holiday season is upon me. And with it, lots of requests. Requests to donate time, money, food, toys, etc., for those who are less fortunate than me. This year though, I am stuck between not having enough for my own family and knowing that we have more than others. With my husband not working, my own household is stretched very thin. So, I feel guilty. I am not even purchasing gifts for my own child this year, but I still feel guilty for not giving presents for foster children. I can't keep my own fridge full of food, and I feel guilty for not donating a turkey to a family who needs it.

Leadership

So, it has been a hiatus--the facts of the hiatus are mostly that the creativity was sucked out of me by my hubby being unemployed since April. He is still in that state, but I've come out of my depression about it and have started to be me again. He is not his job (or lack there of) and I am not mine and we are working through it all.


Had a wonderful workshop at church today--where we asked of ourselves what we expected from our minister, and other things. But the question I left with was, what can I do to help my new minister?


I left thinking about leadership and what it is to come into a new place as a leader. To be in a leadership role without knowing the ins and outs of the organization around you. In a new job, I have found myself in this place. The roles of minister or manager are different, but leadership in general can leap across many titles.




When I think of a good leader, I think of someone that helps you to become a better self, a more complete person in your role (human being, employee, whatever); someone who orchestrates and directs and keeps things on the track. A leader will help the group identify goals and how they want to reach them. The leader identifies the skills of members of the group and moves them into positions so that those skills are maximized.




In order for a leader to be successful, they need to be observant, listen and mediate. They need to assert an opinion when the group needs direction, but not create of culture of blind following. They need to be the interpreter. I have found that the leader's job is greatly assisted by people who volunteer to articulate their skills and volunteer the use of those skills without coaxing.


With that being said, what skills do I have to offer to my community or to my fellowship? I am musical, and love to be a part of choirs and such. But I am badly out of practice and my ear and range are very rusty. I have a nice work schedule that leaves me with evenings and weekends free--so I can show up and help at events. I used to be an event planner and have MC'd weddings--so I can both keep things on a timeline and dress a table fabulously. I'm not afraid of public speaking and spent many years in sales--so I can relate to many people and keep a conversation going. I am trained as an accountant and have touched lots of other people's money and have never taken a dime. How are those things useful to the congregation? I don't know yet.

Breakfast with my Girl

I had a wonderful Sunday brunch with my girl. She sat up tall at the table, ordered politely, looked me in the eyes while we talked and was just super cute. She is so big and grown-up.

Stress Free

It has been a truly wonderful week - I come home at a predictable, wonderful hour. I have work, but not so much that I can't get it done. I am living the dream :)

Easter Colors Mesh

Here is one I made for Mom's office - smaller frame and cheaper Wal-Mart mesh for the pink and yellow (the green is more metallic from Hobby Lobby). Ribbon is from Costco :)

Job News!

After giving notice in December, then not finding anything to go to, having a new manager ask me to stay...I have finally given my 2 weeks notice for real. I got a call back from a job I had interviewed for in December that I actually didn't get. Whomever they hired did not work out and I was next on their list to call. I can't believe it - six long years at the bank, and it is over. I am relieved, happy, excited. I am scared to move onto something new. Especially because the last person to try this job didn't cut it. But failure is not an option. I will make sure I do a fabu job and that this works out. Because for the first time since Shelby was a year old, I will be in a place that I have every Saturday off. I will be starting the day early and finishing the day early. No sales target to hit, not conference calls with public reamings, no more firing people left and right. A family company, with people who have worked there for 15 years and up - everyone is invested in making sure that the boat floats. Two weeks from today, a new beginning.

Peacock colors Deco Mesh Wreath

Christmas!

Shelby is home with us for Christmas, which is wonderful! She spends some Christmases with her dad, so it is always special when she is home.

 Christmas Morning - her big present was a jewelry box - she loved it, calls it her "organizer."

 Her fav present from Darrell's mom - mermaid Barbie!

We had to make a Christmas Eve stop at the Urgent Care - possible strep. I would rather urgent care on Christmas Eve, than ER on Christmas Day!

 

Darrell and his mom, admiring a new dishtowel.

Darrell showing off his latest fashion accessories

 

Papa and Shelby - cuddled on the couch.

New robe for the girl

Candy Cane Mesh Wreath

 

Snowflake Mesh Wreath

This wreath was requested by a friend to be "snowflake" themed. I used:

• one wreath form - I used a silver 16" one
• 3 rolls of 21" deco mesh - I used a non-metallic light blue, metallic light blue and silver (I had about 1/3 of each roll or more left over
• 3" wide wired ribbon
• wreath picks  - I picked 6 ones that fit my theme
• white pipe cleaners

The non-metallic blue went in the back...

 

And the metallic blue went in front of that. They are the same color. Not what I would usually do, but I really couldn't find a third color that went with my project, so I just went shinier. 

The silver went on next...

 

I added loops of the silver ribbon and poked in the wreath picks randomly...everything is secured with pipe cleaners. 

 

Here is the finished product:

 

Festive enough for Christmas, but you could leave up until Spring!

I hope she likes it!

Working

There are happenings afoot in my work life, and I can't decide if they are positive or negative. They just are at this point. I am resigning a position I have held for 3 years in a company I have worked for, for nearly 6 years. I am leaving before they get a chance to drag me though the mud and hold me accountable for the sins of the group. But that being said, I have known it is time to go for a long time. When you are in a role that is solely designed to be prepped for the next position up - the manager - and you have decided that you don't want to be the manager, it is time to leave. I spent 2 years keeping the branch together in absence of the manager and I hated doing it. I was so stressed and worked to death that I put myself in the ER late one December night a few years ago because of kidney stones. I have developed pain in my feet that can't be cured by pills or surgery. I just can't convince myself that I want to do that forever. It is very scary - leaving a job without a new one. But I can't just wait for the axe to fall and then have to tell every employer that I was terminated. So, I am giving ample notice and leaving. My manager is a cool guy and understands the situation and respects that. My family is supportive, because they have seen the crap I have put up with for so long. But it is scary. I had finally come to a place (financially) that I was pretty happy with - paying down debt, able to take my girl to the movies every now and then, and even planning a vacation for next year. And all of that goes out the window if someone doesn't think my resume is the best one of the pile. Happy Holidays.

Shelby's Mesh Project

My daughter asked the other day if she could do her own mesh project. So, she took a look at Pinterest and decided to do one of the "rolled" mesh wreaths. The color scheme was originally neon green, neon pink and black. But it got changed to just pink and black when Shelby discovered how long it took to cut the mesh into pieces.
Materials used:

• 1 12" wire wreath frame
• 2 rolls each of 21" deco mesh
• pipe cleaners
• 3" wire ribbon and a silk flower

We cut the mesh into about 8 inch lengths.

We then used bright pink pipe cleaners to hold the rolls in the middle and then tie them to the wire frame.

This was 2 full rolls of mesh. It became really unruly.

Shelby added zebra print ribbon loops and a zebra print flower.

 

Had I been a controlling mother (or if this had been my project), I would have added some more ribbon to the finished product, but she was happy.

 

She also decided to make "shoes" out of pipe cleaners.

 

Mesh Wreath - Green and Silver

This one will be a Christmas present for my dear hubby's pseudo-grandparents.

The supplies (all 50% off at Hobby Lobby, or already in my stash):

• 1 roll each: dark green, moss green 21" deco mesh
• 1 roll 10" silver deco mesh
• green wreath frame (I bought one with the wire things already attached - about the same price as a plain one because of the sale)
• small silver ornaments
• 3" wide ribbon (you can buy a lifetime supply at Costco for $10)
• silver deco mesh tubing

I went darkest to lightest - using the darkest green on the outer ring only.

Lighter green went next - alternating between outer and inner rings.

Finish with once around with the 10" silver mesh, alternating between the inner and outer rings. I went around once more with the ribbon (always try to keep the pretty side toward the front). I then made loops with the tubing and attached it to the wire frame with pipe cleaners. I think symmetry is for anal retentive people. The beauty is in the unpredictability.

I finished by attaching some small ornaments to pipe cleaners and wrapping them around the wire frame. If I were to do this project again, I would have opted for the larger size ornaments. But I think it is one of my favorite projects so far.

Married

I have spent the last week enjoying married life. Yes, a short, two-week engagement and we were married on the 29th. One of the happiest days of my life. And it was exactly how we wanted it - just the closest of family and friends (just 11 of us total), vows, food and love.

He is truly the man I have waited so many years for. He makes me smile and laugh and think and feel. He is interested in the same life that I am and is willing to work hard for everything - from his paycheck, to his relationships. Love him.