Forgiveness

I tend to think of forgiveness in a large sense. Will God forgive me for the mistakes I make? Will the Universe understand  and move on? And my answer is always yes--my God is one who forgives all you have ever done and all you will ever do. The Universe is not one to let petty human trifling bring it to a stop.


But I don't have the omnipotence of a god; and I don't have the vastness of perspective of the Universe. I cannot see passed my own circumstance. I can't put the past into a box and seal it away and call it bygone. When I am forced to think about forgiving in my own everyday life, I don't know where to draw it from.


There have been a few people I have truly forgiven. I forgave my dad for being a terrible father--it took many years and came from being tired of being angry. The years wore down my resolve. I had to try to get to know him as just a person and try to love him for precisely what he was and not long for all that he was not. I forgave my daughter's dad--it took many years, many miles and starting new chapters in my life. I also knew that I would have to interact with him for many years to come and if I didn't find a way to forgive, I would make my daughter suffer at any event that was important. And I love her more than I love myself.


And there have been many that I haven't forgiven, but simply forgotten and let them slip into the memory of the past. It is easier that way. Easier to let go and just say goodbye than to face the conflict and questions.


Do I forgive because I am too tenacious to give up? Because walking away and starting again poses too much of a task at this point in my life. Because I want to be the bigger person. Because I am selfish. Or because I have really dealt with my feelings and moved passed them. Because I love my husband more than I love my pride. Or maybe none; maybe I can't.

Lies

How do you get a person who is lying to themselves so convincingly, to tell the truth? Even when confronted with truth, he spends so much energy to manufacture circumstances to fit the lies. To so emphatically insist that the lies are the truth. How do you break through when he has so much invested in these lies that he probably doesn't even admit it to himself. It makes me doubtful and full of silence--because anything I say becomes an argument of he said/she said. Everything can be explained away.


 But I know, in my deepest of subconscious, that it isn't the truth.


That blaming nameless hackers or vengeful enemies is so easy to do with no way to prove otherwise. Does that make me just some suspicious, paranoid, trustless ice queen? Or someone who is content to live in denial also, just to avoid the confrontation? Because I know if the confrontation happened, it would just result in more lies. I have no faith that he will admit anything without overwhelming proof. I am emotionally dead at this point. Because feeling anything would mean fighting and I have no more energy to fight. The fight has gone out of me.


This is what he has made me.